A Lovingkindness Meditation that Cultivates Compassion for Yourself & Others
Updated: Aug 13
A Gentle Meditation Practice for Cultivating Compassion Without Denying Pain or Abandoning Boundaries
What happens inside you when you hear the following words?
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful.
May you meet yourself with kindness.
Perhaps the words feel comforting.
Perhaps they feel unfamiliar, sentimental, or difficult to believe.
Perhaps they awaken longing, sadness, resistance, embarrassment, irritation, or grief.
Kindness does not always enter easily.
For people who learned to care for others before learning to care for themselves, directing compassion inward may feel selfish. For someone who has been hurt in relationships, receiving warmth may feel vulnerable or unsafe. A phrase intended to soothe may instead remind us of what we needed but did not receive.
The traditional lovingkindness meditation does not require us to manufacture a feeling we do not have.
It is a practice of offering a compassionate intention, and becoming curious about what happens when we do.
What is Loving Kindness Meditation?
The Lovingkindness meditation, also known as Metta meditation, is a contemplative practice rooted in Buddhist traditions.
The practice usually involves silently repeating phrases of goodwill toward ourselves and others.
Traditional phrases may include:
May I be safe.
May I be healthy.
May I be peaceful.
May I live with ease.
Over time, the circle of care may expand to include:
Ourselves.
Someone who has cared for or supported us.
Someone we love.
A person we know only casually.
A wider community.
Other living beings.
Some versions eventually include a person with whom we experience difficulty. That part of the practice is optional and should never be treated as a moral requirement.
The purpose is not to force affection, erase anger, or convince ourselves that everyone is safe.
It is to practice an orientation of goodwill while remaining connected to reality.
Lovingkindness Is an Intention, Not a Performance
We may assume that a successful meditation should produce warmth, peace, or tenderness.
But lovingkindness practice can evoke many different responses:
Comfort.
Gratitude.
Softness.
Numbness.
Skepticism.
Sadness.
Anger.
Shame.
Resistance.
Nothing noticeable at all.
No particular emotional state is required.
You can offer the phrase May I be safe while noticing that part of you does not yet feel safe.
You can say May I be peaceful while feeling restless.
You can wish another person well without feeling loving toward them.
The practice lies in the offering, not in proving that you are compassionate enough.
Why Kindness Toward Ourselves Can Feel Difficult
Some people find it easier to direct goodwill toward almost anyone other than themselves.
We may have internalized beliefs such as:
Other people’s needs matter more.
I have to earn care.
Self-compassion will make me weak or undisciplined.
If I stop criticizing myself, I will stop growing.
My needs burden other people.
I should be grateful rather than acknowledge what hurts.
I am responsible for everyone else’s well-being.
Self-criticism may have become a way of maintaining control, anticipating criticism, or motivating ourselves before someone else can express disappointment.
In that context, kindness can feel dangerous. It loosens a familiar form of protection.
If self-directed phrases feel too difficult, you do not need to force them.
You might begin by imagining:
A person who has offered you reliable care.
A beloved animal.
A child.
A spiritual figure.
A place in nature where you feel held or at ease.
Someone for whom kindness arises naturally.
Allow the experience of care to become more familiar before turning it toward yourself.
You might then try:
May I become more able to receive the kindness I offer so freely to others.
What Research Suggests
Research on lovingkindness meditation is promising but should not be turned into a guarantee.
Studies suggest that regular practice may support positive emotions, compassion, self-compassion, social connection, and some measures of psychological well-being. The effects vary, and lovingkindness meditation is not a universal treatment for anxiety, depression, trauma, physical illness, or relationship problems.
It can be one supportive practice within a larger approach to well-being.
Its value may be less about producing constant positive feelings and more about gradually strengthening our capacity to meet ourselves and other people with less automatic hostility, avoidance, or judgment.
Compassion Is Not the Same as Agreement
Offering goodwill toward another person does not mean approving of everything they do.
Compassion does not require us to:
Deny anger.
Excuse harmful behavior.
Reconcile.
Forgive before we are ready.
Restore trust.
Remain in contact.
Abandon a boundary.
Make ourselves available to someone unsafe.
Understand another person so completely that our own experience disappears.
We can recognize another person’s humanity while also recognizing the impact of their behavior.
We can wish that someone becomes less harmful while choosing not to participate in a relationship with them.
We can hope that a person finds peace without making ourselves responsible for providing it.
Boundaries and compassion are not opposites.
A boundary may be one of the ways we practice care, for ourselves, for another person, and for the reality of the relationship.
Choosing Phrases That Feel Honest
Traditional lovingkindness phrases are beautiful, but not every phrase will resonate with every person.
“May I be healthy” may feel painful or unrealistic to someone living with illness. “May I live with ease” may feel impossible during grief, caregiving, financial hardship, or crisis.
You can adapt the language without losing the spirit of the practice.
You might try:
May I meet this moment with compassion.
May I feel supported.
May I recognize what I need.
May I care for my body as it is today.
May I find moments of steadiness.
May I be gentle with what hurts.
May I remain connected to myself.
May I accept support where it is available.
May I remember that I do not have to carry everything alone.
May I find the courage to protect what matters.
May I make room for both grief and hope.
The phrase does not need to declare something that is not true.
It can express what you wish to cultivate.
A Gentle Lovingkindness Practice
Find a position that feels supported. You may sit, recline, stand, or walk slowly.
Your eyes may be closed or gently open.
Notice the support beneath your body. Let your breathing remain natural rather than forcing it to become deeper or slower.
1. Begin With Someone Who Evokes Care
Bring to mind a person, animal, place, or presence associated with warmth or goodwill.
Choose someone uncomplicated enough that care can arise without immediately pulling you into conflict, grief, or obligation.
Notice what happens in your body.
You do not need to create a vivid image.
Silently offer:
May you be safe.
May you feel supported.
May you experience moments of peace.
May you live with greater ease.
Repeat the phrases slowly.
2. Allow the Care to Include You
If it feels possible, imagine that the same goodwill can move toward you.
You might place a hand over your heart, abdomen, or another place that feels supportive.
Offer:
May I be safe.
May I feel supported.
May I meet myself with kindness.
May I experience moments of peace.
If the phrases feel untrue, soften them:
May I become more open to safety.
May I learn to receive support.
May I practice meeting myself with kindness.
May I recognize peace when it is available.
Notice whatever arises.
3. Include Someone You Care About
Bring to mind someone toward whom care arises naturally.
Offer the same phrases:
May you be safe.
May you feel supported.
May you meet yourself with kindness.
May you experience moments of peace.
You are not responsible for making these wishes come true.
You are practicing the offering.
4. Include Someone You Know Casually
If you wish, bring to mind someone familiar but not emotionally central: a neighbor, colleague, store clerk, delivery driver, or someone you regularly pass.
Consider that this person has an inner life you cannot fully see.
Offer:
May you be safe.
May you feel supported.
May you experience kindness.
May you have moments of peace.
5. Expand the Circle
You might imagine the phrases extending toward:
Your family or community.
People who are grieving.
People who feel alone.
People experiencing illness or uncertainty.
People whose lives are different from your own.
Other living beings.
You may say:
May we be safe.
May we feel supported.
May we meet suffering with compassion.
May we recognize our shared humanity.
You do not need to encompass the entire world. Let the circle become only as wide as you can hold sincerely today.
6. Return to Yourself
Before ending, return the phrases to yourself:
May I remain connected to myself.
May I carry kindness into one choice today.
Notice your body, your surroundings, and the support beneath you.
Open your eyes if they have been closed.
Take whatever time you need before returning to your day.
What About a Difficult Person?
Some lovingkindness practices invite us to extend goodwill toward someone with whom we have conflict.
This can be meaningful when the relationship is emotionally manageable and when the practice arises from genuine readiness.
It is not necessary when:
The person has abused, threatened, exploited, or traumatized you.
Imagining them produces overwhelming distress.
You feel pressured to forgive.
Compassion becomes a way of minimizing what happened.
You begin abandoning a necessary boundary.
You are still trying to establish safety.
You can stop before this stage.
You can also choose someone mildly difficult rather than the person associated with your deepest pain.
If you decide to include a difficult person, use language that preserves reality:
May you become capable of causing less harm.
May you find the support needed to act with greater awareness.
May we both be released from this destructive pattern.
May I remain compassionate without abandoning myself.
May I protect my peace and honor what I know.
You may also discover that the most compassionate action is distance.
When Lovingkindness Brings Up Grief
Kindness can awaken awareness of its absence.
You may remember times when you were not protected, comforted, recognized, or treated gently. You may grieve how harshly you have learned to speak to yourself. You may feel sadness for a younger part of yourself who needed more care.
This does not mean the meditation has failed.
The practice may have opened a window into what has been longing to be acknowledged.
If the feelings remain tolerable, allow yourself to notice them without immediately trying to transform them into gratitude or peace.
If you become overwhelmed, stop the practice. Orient yourself to the room, feel your feet against the floor, open your eyes, move your body, or connect with someone you trust.
Meditation should not become another demand to endure more than you can hold.
Bringing Lovingkindness Into Relationship
The practice does not end when the meditation ends.
lovingkindness becomes embodied when we:
Speak to ourselves with less contempt.
Listen without immediately preparing a response.
Allow another person to have a different experience.
Offer care without taking over.
Receive help without immediately repaying it.
Apologize when we have caused harm.
Protect ourselves from mistreatment.
Say no without dehumanizing the other person.
Remember that compassion and accountability can coexist.
Kindness is not only a feeling.
It is a way of relating.
Looking Through This Window
After practicing, reflect:
Which person was easiest to hold in mind?
Which phrases felt believable?
Which phrases created resistance?
What happened when I directed kindness toward myself?
Did kindness awaken comfort, grief, suspicion, embarrassment, or longing?
What have I learned about giving care?
What have I learned about receiving it?
Where might compassion require openness?
Where might compassion require a boundary?
What is one kind action I can embody today?
You do not need to feel loving toward everyone.
Begin by making one small space in which kindness can be received.
Continue Exploring
How Can You Stay Compassionate Without Losing Your Balance? Explore how equanimity, boundaries, and deep listening help compassion remain grounded in reality.
Why Is Connection So Important for Healing? Learn how being seen, supported, and known in relationship can help us develop greater trust and self-understanding.
How Do I Set an Intention I Can Actually Live By? Turn compassion from an ideal into a meaningful, embodied daily choice.
References and Further Reading
Petrovic, J., et al. (2024). The Effects of lovingkindness Interventions on Positive and Negative Mental Health Outcomes: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. PubMed record
Reilly, E. B., & Stuyvenberg, C. (2023). A Meta-Analysis of lovingkindness Meditations on Self-Compassion.Study summary and citation
Zeng, X., Chiu, C. P. K., Wang, R., Oei, T. P. S., & Leung, F. Y. K. (2015). The Effect of lovingkindness Meditation on Positive Emotions: A Meta-Analytic Review. Full article
About Jamie Cromer Grue
Jamie Cromer Grue (Jamie Cromer, LCSW, ACSW, FABP) is a licensed clinical social worker, board-certified psychoanalyst and Training and Supervising Analyst. She is also a Certified Ayurvedic lifestyle instructor and the founder of Windows to Wisdom.
Jamie brings more than 30 years of clinical experience to an integrated approach drawing from psychoanalysis, holistic wellness, contemplative practice, creativity, and the wisdom of everyday life. Through Windows to Wisdom, she makes complex ideas about the inner life more accessible, inviting people to listen more deeply to themselves, recognize meaningful patterns, and develop greater self-awareness, resilience, and freedom.
Jamie’s psychoanalytic knowledge and clinical experience inform the public education offered through Windows to Wisdom. Windows to Wisdom is separate from her clinical practice; reading these materials or participating in its programs does not constitute therapy or establish a therapist–patient relationship.
Loved this meditation!! Thanks!